Sorry, can’t send you a photo

This is the post excerpt.

Hope somebody will read this scribble ‘cause it’s my last chance to find friends in this lousy world. A couple of days ago, I tried to get acquainted with a girl but she shot me down within 5 seconds. Do you know why? Because I’m FAT!! Yeah, thanks for reminding me of it, young lady. But there’s nothing I can do with my weight – I was born like this. Ever since I was little, others ignored me. It wasn’t interesting to play hide-and-seek with because even a blind person could see me behind the tree. If there was an anonymous club for fatties, I’d join it! I’d come and say: ’Hi, I’m Ash Morgan. I teach Italian and I’m fat as hell!’


My afterglow of Venice by Leonid Afremov

Land! Land!

In addition to the fear of gaining weight, I’m afraid of water. And what can be more stressful for a person who can’t swim than going to Venice? My knees are shaking when I think back to that trip. Water was everywhere and my head was spinning. For a moment, I thought I was going to faint. But the gondolier calmed me down asking to imagine we were in a car. Aha, a very shaky car made of wood. The auto-suggestion worked but I was so glad to go ashore! Quickly I came to my senses and decided to walk around the neighborhood. It was far from the main tourist areas, so I saw ordinary citizens who were buying bread, drinking beer in the pubs or sunbathing on their windowsills. I sat down on one of the terraces and enjoyed the sunset.

No jokes here, only useful information

If you’ve never been to Venice, you should know that there are a number of symbols associated with the city:

  • Canals and bridges. They exist for hundreds of years. If you google ‘famous painting of a bridge’, you’ll certainly see many works depicting Venice.
  • The traditional carnival takes place every year and you won’t pass without a mask. Purchase one as a souvenir and you won’t need to shave or put your make-up on if you dare wearing it to work!
  • Lion statues. A winged lion on the ‘Paper Gate’ between Basilica di San Marco and Pallazzo Ducale embodies the power of the church. Another lion near the monument to Vittorio Emanuele II symbolizes glory and the Italian nation. So the architecture of the city tells a lot about its history.
  • Boats called ‘gondolas’. Tourists adore riding in them, though they are used as means of public transport as well.

Leonid Afremov cures my aquaphobia

What could I bring from Venice besides excess calories of pasta, caprese and pizza? Souvenir magnets for my folks and a mask for my sister (whatever toy or play makes the baby gay). But the best gift I left for myself. Now this piece of art hangs in my room. Oh, I can show it to you too. See this famous bridge painting here? Sunny weather, bright flowers on the balconies together with the sweet palette of the houses and of course the gentle shimmering of water define the mood of this oil canvas by Leonid Afremov. When I look at the picture, I’m not afraid of water anymore. I’d love to live here! This tiny part of the city is picturesque and so cozy. Two gondolas near the bridge are like two swimming swans adding a romantic note to the painting. If I hadn’t been to Venice for real, I’d thought the picture is completely fictional. However, the artist portrayed the beauty of the city as it is! If you’ve never been to Venice, this is your chance of visiting it without even buying a plane ticket!


Vain attempts to lose weight

So many times I’ve been put on a rigorous diet where rice and chicken became my worst nightmare. But I always managed to break the rules and eat on the sly. Mars, Incorporated should be grateful to me for chewing hundreds of their chocolate bars. My favorite is ‘Galaxy Bubbles’ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galaxy_Bubbles. It contains not so many calories as other bars and this fact kind of comforts me.

I also went to the gym. Breathless and damp with perspiration, I ran on a treadmill and worked out my abdominals. Every time I looked up, I noticed other people’s stares. I could read their thoughts: ‘Hopeless.’ They must have had a crystal ball! Eager to finish this self-humiliation, I made up my mind to take dance classes. You’d never guess which style I chose! It was belly dance! Sounds crazy, agree. What’s more, there are not so many men doing it. Well, sounds good for me: the fewer rivals the more opportunities to win a woman’s heart. Though none of them expressed particular desire to go on a date with me, I was surrounded with beauty three times a week. All those seductive costumes and moves drew me away from food. I lost 4 kilos and was overwhelmed with joy! But later our group went on a tour (without me, of course) and I turned back to snacks, fries and cookies. Well, that’s how I live – fight and give up.